


Held On As Tightly As You Held Onto Me

by fancyachatup



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Aftermath, Alec POV, Angst, Canon, Canon Compliant, Coda, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Hurt Magnus, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Better, Magnus POV, Panic Attacks, Rewrite, Spoilers, You Are Not Your Own, alec apologizes, mentioned body swap, mentioned torture, s2e12, s2e13, so he gets it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 17:36:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11190021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fancyachatup/pseuds/fancyachatup
Summary: This is what should have happened after Magnus & Valentine switched back.Told in two parts: Alec'a POV then Magnus' POV





	1. Alec's POV

**Author's Note:**

> listen to the song "to build a home" by the Cinematic Orchestra to increase the emotions (if ya want)

He stared into Magnus' eyes, eyes that reflected back pain and fear and, _by the angel_ , his Magnus, his strong all-knowing boyfriend was reduced to nothing but torment, all because Alec didn't _believe_ him.

He and Magnus were currently on opposite ends of the sofa, not touching Magnus for fear of creating more terror than causing any semblance of comfort. Alec moved his hand slowly, giving Magnus enough time to refuse it, before slowing setting his right hand above Magnus' left. It was devoid of rings and there was no nail polish to be seen, and it was so unlike  _his_  Magnus that Alec felt his heart plummet. He rubbed his thumb soothingly on top of Magnus' hand, hoping to communicate through a simple touch that Alec was _here_.

Magnus' face remained stoic but Alec continued his ministrations. He didn't know who he was doing it for, really. For Magnus, wanting to know that he wasn't alone, but also for himself, to remind himself that Magnus was alive and although he was physically alright, there was a psychological war commencing in his mind. He'd been forced out of his own body, placed into a murderer's figure, and tortured for the past 48 hours, all while Alec watched. He _stood by and watched_.

_By the angel!_

Alec needed to cry. He needed to throw up, to panic, and let in the shear fear that was welling up inside of him, but he wouldn't dare do it in front of Magnus. Not after everything he had been through in the past two days.

So he calmly excused himself, informing Magnus that he was going to the restroom, and would only be gone for a moment. He rose from the couch, and walked toward the bathroom at the end of the long hallway, quietly closing the door behind him.

And just like that the dam broke.

Alec's chest was heaving and it felt like the room was spinning. All of the sudden he couldn't get enough air in or out of his system. He felt the tears pour over as he firmly gripped the white marble sink, steadying himself against it. With both hands planted on the countertop, Alec looked in the mirror, studying his red face. His shaking frame was unnerving in this state, and Alec held in the sobs threatening to break through to the surface. His stomach was in knots and his face was shining with tears. He watched in silence as emotions flickered across his face, desperately trying to get it all out before he went back to take care of Magnus, because no matter how much Alec ached, he knew his boyfriend was in far worse shape. This caused a new wave of trembling and crying, the knowledge that he had cause Magnus so much pain was unbearable.

He felt the bile rise in his throat as he remembered Magnus' pleas as he was in Valentine's body.

He threw up, and continued to until he was merely dry heaving over the sink. With shaky hands he turned on the faucet, washing his hands and splashing his face with cold water.

"Snap out of it Alec. Magnus needs you." He whispered to himself.

But he couldn't. He couldn't stop the trembles that went through his body, as he gradually slid down onto the floor, arms wrapped tightly around his torso as if to hold in the sobs.

He was startled by a knock at the bathroom door, and he froze.

"Alexander?" Magnus' voice was rough and filled with pain, but Alec could detect the underlining worry in it.

Alec cleared his throat. "Yes?"

He heard shuffling in the other side of the door, and he quickly wiped his tears and stood up, brushing off invisible specks of dust to prepare himself to leave the sanctuary that had become the bathroom.

"You've been in here for a while."

Alec's eyes widened, and he looked around the bathroom before mercifully spotting a clock, telling him that 'a while' had actually been twenty minutes.

He glanced at the mirror, making sure that the evidence of his breakdown were virtually nonexistent, and opened the door. He saw a worried Magnus, body filled with tension and eyes worried.

Now that wouldn't do. Alec had already caused enough trouble, he wasn't about to let Magnus worry over something like Alec's emotional instability.

Alec did his best to look sheepish, which wasn't necessarily hard, but he worried that Magnus would see the underlying fear and panic.

"Sorry. It must've been the chicken Izzy made earlier today. It didn't agree with me."

He could feel Magnus searching his face, and let out a breath of relief as Magnus seemed satisfied by the response. What Alec was unprepared for was the warm embrace he was pulled into. Magnus nestled his head on Alec's shoulder, arms encompassing Alec's torso. Within seconds, Alec's arms were wrapped around Magnus, attempting to serenity for him.

They stood there for a few minutes, in a comfortable silence, before Alec's whisper broke it.

"Bed?"

With a tired nod, Magnus broke away from the hug, and slowly took Alec's hand, allowing Alec to guide him toward the(ir?) bedroom. When they got to the bed, Alec gently sat Magnus on the bed. Seeing the confusion in Magnus' eyes, Alec spoke.

"Let me take care of you."

Magnus' body visibly slumped at the words, and a few tears slid down his face, but he nodded.

Alec crouched down, taking Magnus' left foot, slowly unzipping the black combat boot, and removing it before placing in on the floor. He did the same with the right one, and then rose. With a silent question, Alec gestured to Magnus' jacket and shirt, and after receiving a nod, Alec began to take it off.

After removing the jacket, Alec once again checked to see if Magnus was comfortable with Alec removing his shirt. With another nod, Alec set forth to unbutton the black dress shirt, taking his time to allow Magnus to stop him if needed.

It continued the same way until Magnus was down to his boxers, and at that point Alec pulled down the covers, helping Magnus get under the black satin sheets. Once Magnus was tucked in, Alec went over to the large vanity, and grabbed the pack of makeup wipes. He made his way back over to the bed, and sat down.

"May I?"

"Yes." It was a small whisper, so contradictory to the Magnus Alec had grown accustomed to being around.

He brought the makeup wipe up, delicately removing the kohl eyeliner, before cleaning the rest of Magnus' face. Once finished, he threw the wipe away, and set out to remove the small ear cuff, placing it on the black bedside table.

Done, Alec pressed a small kiss onto Magnus' forehead. He was no longer crying, but Alec could see the mixed emotions in his eyes, and Alec felt a tightening in his chest as he remembered what Magnus had gone through today.

Wiping a stray tear off Magnus' cheek, Alec rose from the bed, making his way toward the door and turning off the lights. As he was about to leave he heard another small whisper.

"Stay."

And so Alex turned around, shucking out of his clothes until he too, was left in his boxers. He climbed into the right side of the bed, burrowing underneath the covers, facing Magnus. The other man turned to face him, slowly moving until they were chest to chest.

"Can you hold me?"

Alec nodded, feeling fresh tears spring into his eyes, but held them back in favor of holding Magnus. Magnus, who still managed to love Alec after everything that happened. Magnus, who was the bravest man on earth but was reduced to a small boy after today.

A moment passed where neither spoke, just seeking comfort in the other's mere presence, and eventually Magnus fell asleep.

"I'm sorry," Alec whispered as he rubbed his boyfriend's back.

"I'm sorry I didn't believe you, that I betrayed you and failed in protecting you."

His eyes were watering again, but unlike before, there was no panic accompanying them. This time, it was pure sorrow.

"I'm so sorry Magnus, and when you wake up, I will properly apologize, and if you'll have me, I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you."

He pressed a kiss onto the top of Magnus' head, before calming himself down.

"I love you Magnus Bane. I'm not going to let you do this on your own."


	2. Magnus' POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus' take on what happened

Magnus felt like he was made of lead. His bones and muscles tense and unmoving. So when Alexander went to go to the bathroom, Magnus suspected nothing, and simply sat in the couch waiting for the other's return.

He remained that way, sorrowful and _still_ , for who knows how long until he heard something coming from down the corridor.

Anxiety courses through his blood stream at the noise, worrying that someone had broken in and come to kidnap him, kill him, or torture him some more.

But then Magnus heard it again, and his legs were moving before his brain could catch up. He found himself outside of the bathroom, listening to the noises that were coming from inside.

With a start, he realized that Alec was _crying_. And while Magnus was truly exhausted, both mentally and physically, he was worried about his Shadowhunter.He'd never heard Alexander cry, let alone seen him do it.

He stood there awkwardly in his own hallway for a couple of minutes, debating what to say, or if he should even say anything at all.

And then he heard it. A tiny muffled voice, but he could make out the words clear as day.

"Snap out of it Alec. Magnus needs you."

And for the first time in the past 48 hours, Magnus felt something other than fear, pain, sadness, he felt love. Here he was, hours after escaping death, yet he felt affection bloom for his shadowhunter, his emotionally constipated shadowhunter who never expressed emotions.

And if Magnus wasn't so traumatized he would have laughed at the irony of him feeling nothing and Alec finally letting his feelings come to the surface. And for the first time since the swap, Magnus felt a tiny bit relieved. Relieved that he wasn't the only one experiencing this roller coaster of emotions. Relief that Alexander still cared for him, still _wanted_ him after today's events.

And so Magnus continued to stand outside the door, finding peace in the fact that even whilst in emotional distress Alec wanted to protect him. Feeling guilty at the immense gratitude he felt for Alexander not breaking down in front of him. And while he knew it was terrible, Magnus knew he just couldn't handle seeing Alec cry in front of him. Any other day, he would gladly mend Alec's problems, fight his battles, but today, Magnus simply could not comfort Alec, not when he couldn't even comfort himself.

However, he didn't want Alec to cry anymore, as numb as he was, hearing his sobs pained Magnus. So, he hesitantly knocked on the bathroom door, and let out a soft, "Alexander?"

The cries stopped, and Magnus heard shuffling before Alec cleared his throat.

"Yes?"

With a soft sigh, Magnus replied, "You've been in here for a while."

He didn't want to corner Alec, or let him know that he had been listening, he would let Alexander tell him when he was ready. He was brought out of his thoughts as Alec stepped out of the bathroom, attempting cover his emotions.

"Sorry. It must've been the chicken Izzy made earlier today. It didn't agree with me"

Magnus may have been locked up for the past two days, but he knew that Alec would never willingly eat Isabelle's cooking. Not to mention that Isabelle wasn't exactly capable of taking care of herself and others at the moment. But, after looking at Alec and seeing nothing but love in his eyes, Magnus let the lie go, knowing that neither of them were emotionally prepared to discuss today's events. Instead, Magnus just hugged him, seeking asylum in his arms.

They stood there, for a moment. And then, Alec was leading him toward the bedroom. As Magnus was about to get ready for bed, he caught Alec's eyes, and the shadowhunter gestured for him to sit on the bed.

He did.

"Let me take care of you." Alec said, and Magnus could hear the grief and reverence in his voice, could see the love in his eyes, and so Magnus nodded, because he was unable to form words as the tears began to roll down his face.

He let Alexander undress him, remove his makeup, even the remaining pieces of jewelry, and Magnus basked in the attention, taking special notice of how gentle and caring Alec's movements were.

And then suddenly Alec wasn't there anymore, making his way out of the room, and before he could even make it out of the door, Magnus whispered.

"Stay."

He did.

He stripped down to his boxers and slowly got into the bed, facing Magnus, but never making a move to touch him. And Magnus just couldn't handle that, so he moved closer, asking if Alexander could hold him.

He did.

It was soothing and Magnus, as silly as it was, felt safe in his embrace. He finally felt the fear leave him, instead, concentrating on matching his breaths with Alexander's breathing pattern.

"I'm sorry," Alec whispered as he rubbed Magnus' back.

"I'm sorry I didn't believe you, that I betrayed you and failed in protecting you."

Magnus was about to respond, before he realized that Alec wasn't waiting for a response, he was simply talking to let it all out, probably thinking Magnus was asleep. Magnus let him think that, because they both needed this. Alec, to get his guilt off his chest, and Magnus, to hear him apologize. So, he continued to listen and breathe, _listen and breathe_.

"I'm so sorry Magnus, and when you wake up, I will properly apologize, and if you'll have me, I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you."

He pressed a kiss onto the top of Magnus' head, and Magnus was grateful for the comfort Alexander provided, but also for the fact that Alec was going to talk to him later, when they would both be better equipped to handle the situation.

"I love you Magnus Bane. I'm not going to let you do this on your own."

_I love you too, Alexander. So much._

**Author's Note:**

> if you liked this and wanna show your appreciation, [buy me a coffee](https://ko-fi.com/B0B6EDIJ)


End file.
